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Royal New Zealand Naval Association Inc.

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A man and his wife went on Holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband. “You can have her shipped home for $5000.00. or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land, for $150.00. The man thought about it and told him that he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, “ Why would you spend $5000.00 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and you would only spend $150.00. The man replied, “ Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I cant take that risk.”

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This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them "I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican then began screaming:
"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!
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By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just abed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better!" The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed."  "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" 
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 Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. “Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" (You’re gonna love this!) (Wait for it . . ) The bank manager looks back at her and says, “It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

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A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts collage. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for a conversation. She said "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man, Is something bothering you?" negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.” She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?' The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now

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Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,  panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die".

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At an inter - services rugby match, Army were playing Navy. A young women supporter asked her Army boy friend why the Army wore red jerseys." So the blood won’t show if we are injured" replied the soldier. Sitting behind them was a leathery-faced old admiral who leaned forward to add. 'Quite true my dear. And its why we in the Royal Navy always wear blue jerseys!'


Last Updated ( Friday, 28 September 2012 )